Check Yer Head...Comix, Episode 5

You may need an athletic support for this one, kids.

   Nothin' like a good ol' release of aggression, am I right?  Well, I may not be RIGHT, but you know what I'm talkin' 'bout, muhmukkah....

   Hold on to yer hats, 'cause I come out swinging right away.  But, if you ain't into the bitchin', you can fast forward to about 15 minutes in, and check out some incredible Comix with me.  And, feel free to get a bit lit up, 'cause you KNOW I am.

   I'm not going to waste any more of your time writing about the show. Go ahead and waste your time listening to it.

   FRIDAY NIGHT!  HELLS YEAH!

Terrible Technology!

   With so much going on in the world, and so much communication, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by it all.  Sometimes, you just want to unwind, pop open a beer, and have a conversation with a complete stranger that may or may not share a common language with you.  Now, where in the hell would you go for something like that?  An airport bar?  Possibly, but silly.  A bar in a foreign country?  Definately, but a little more dangerous.  Maybe a forum or a chatroom?  Feh, too much flaming and stupid shit.  Although some forums only have 2-3 people ever posting on them, so it creates a kind of "inbred" and weird environment...
BUT, what if there was a website that you could go to, hook up your webcam, and randomly talk to all kinds of people at the push of a button?  Man, that would be AWESOME, right?
Say what?  What's a Chatroullete?  You mean, someone already DID that?  Hot damn. 
   I know, I'm a little late, but I try not to pay attention to this kind of silly shit, because I'm not THAT kind of guy.  No, not THAT kind of guy, I mean "social".  I'm NOT social by any means.  Humans are okay in very, very small doses.

   That said, even in small doses, people can be just too much.

   I went on Chatroullete last night for the first time because I was enthralled with a few videos I saw on Youtube.  There were a couple guys sitting with their instruments (piano, guitar, kazoo, etc), making up random lyrics in response to the people they "met" (allright, that's 3 quotation-thingys, I think I've made my quota for the month).  So very cool.  I laughed like crazy.  THEN, I saw some guy set up a pair of legs hanging from the ceiling with an overturned chair underneath it, and recorded the reactions.  You get it?  The funniest and sickest thing about that one is:  It could REALLY HAPPEN!  Shit, I'm surprised it hasn't already happened...  So, I tried it out.

   What should you be prepared for if you go there?  A lot of penises.  Seriously, 4 out of 5 "chatters" are either tossing off under their sheets or desk, or just fucking doing it full-frame.  No joke.  Heh, I saw ONE va-jayjay, though (and wish I hadn't)  But, I did end up having at least 3 conversations that were fun and harmless.  Only 3.

   Oh, you sick little monkeys...unleashed upon each other, armed with technology you barely understand. Technology which doesn't have a proper use.

   Because, if it turns out that the only use for webcams are showing your pathetic penis to strangers, I think you should be arrested just like the pathetic parasites that show their privates to children at the park.  Castrate your ass.  Me, I wasn't really offended.  I've seen plenty of dicks, and I am not afraid of them.  I won't hold any besides my own, and if you tried to put it inside of me, it would suddenly be missing; But, I'm not some innocent little shit with a webcam and ignorant parents.

   Well, now that I've decided to castrate a useless part of our population (with good reason), I can move on to the next problem.

   Hey, I just thought of something...I'm good at making ridiculous decisions that are impossible to implement!  I should run for office!  Nah, I don't care enough to do that.  I'm not greedy or egotistical enough.  Fuck, I'd probably end up pressing the button.

   Not THAT button....sheesh.

Hell YEAH, it's Tuesday! What's on the tube?

   I couldn't give a FUCK less, 'cause I'm watching MMA.  I don't wanna see nothin' but guys beating the SHIT out of each other.

Check Yer Head...Comix, Episode 4

This one's strictly for the Comix Fans

   Nothin' but Comix talk in this one.  I'm gonna use the original introduction, because I'm a lazy fuck, and I've got some beer to drink.  It's FRIDAY, MUHMUKKAS!!!

[  Well, here we go again, folks. In rare, rear form tonight, EclipsespilcE winds up his two part love letter to Richard Corben (Platonic, for sure), and makes fun of himself BEFORE you get a chance to (nyahhh...).

   When asked his opinion of last week's episode, Mr. Corben had this to say:
"Hi [EclipsespilcE],
I appreciate your podcast activities concerning Corben. It is very flattering and I thank you, but I look forward to your efforts on more worthy subjects.

Best wishes,
Richard Corben."

   FOOL! Your humility is lost on me, Sir! I know not even the meaning of the word! In fact, I've totally lost track of my own train of thought!! Have at thee, with the compendium of yer own work, tossed back at you like a flying cream pie! There's only one stooge on this stage, and it's gotta be me, 'cause I got pie ALL OVER mah face, dangit! ]

   This is good timing because yesterday I scored a book that I've been looking for for YEARS, and I simply refused to pay full price for it: Banner #1.  I know, I know, it's a MARVEL book.  So fucking what, it's Richard Corben drawing the HULK!  And it was only ONE DALLAH!

Whack Me Wednesday!

   Holy crap, man.  Waht a frigged-up week.  I have pretty frequent computer problems.  This is mainly due to my overwhelming curiosity and experimentation than anything else.  Saturday night, I got tired of playing Bioshock, and wanted to check out an older game related to it.  Unfortunately, this game only runs on Win95.  It MAY run under XP, but it's almost not worth it.  I've been known to go to pretty extreme lengths to play old games.  I've even built custom computers out of old parts I store, and installed old operating systems gauged to the particular game I want JUST to play it.  Then, when I'm done, I disassemble the rig.  I've done this for several games.  One game was Toonstruck.  I HAD to play it, and it would only run on a particular video card, and operating system.  Luckily, I had both stored, and so...it was a great game.  Nowadays (is that a word?), I'm a little more lazy, and try to get them to work on XP.

   So, Saturday night, I tried to install a dual operating system (after a failure with a virtual PC) on my main box and CRASH.  Then, I spent most of sunday re-installing windows.  Well, I was in a hurry, and fucked it up.  That fucked up Monday night, because it took 4-5 hours.  Needless to say, I messed that up too.  For some reason, every night this week, when I tried again, I would do something wrong.  Install drivers in the wrong order, hit the wrong button, whatever.

Last night, I FINALLY got shit straightened out.

Tonight (St Patti's day, me boyo), I'm having a couple pints and catching back up to my game.

   For all of you gamers out there:  If you don't have 4-5 computers ready to go if you smoke your main one trying crazy shit, just stick to the new shit.  You will definitely miss out on some spectacular moments in gaming, but you won't fry your shit.

   Me, I'm not afraid of a little blue flame, and purple smoke burping out of my power supply...I've been there before, and I own a fire extinguisher.  DON'T BE A PUSSY!  TAKE THAT RISK!!

   Next week:  I try to play my old Aerosmith Quest For Fame.  I think I'm going to just build another relic rig, rather than shit on my new, clean OS.  I've just GOT to use this goddamn Virtual Pick, man. It's so cool... Where's my tennis racket?

Check Yer Head...Comix, Episode 3

Anyone up for a Hurricane?

   As soon as I got power back after the storm (over a fucking week...I can't remember exactly), I fired up the mic, and crapped out this golden egg.  This is the show that made me rich and famous, leaving the entire internet ringing with the question "eclipsesomething who?".  I described it as a "mindbender" when it was posted on Friday, October 03, 2008, and listening to it again, that description isn't far off.  I was doing a show a week for a while, but just couldn't keep up.  It takes me several nights to put one together and all of my other interests were suffering.  Like playing video games, which is what I'm going to do right now.  IT'S FRIDAY, MUHMUKKAHS!

Terrible Week

Oh, shit.  Damn.  Ass-sandwich.  Buttnugget.  Balls-to-nose, for sure.
Nad-nibblers...butt-munchers...gonad-gobblers...
If it wasn't for video games and Guinness...I swear.

Lucky for you, I've got a new video card.  I've spent the last 5 nights playing Bioshock.

I think I'll keep it up for another couple of days.

Check back friday.  All 2 of you.  Swear, we'll have fun.

Right now, I've got some digital monkeys to kill.

Road Relaxed...

Funny thing happened on the way home...

   Anyone familiar with my particular brand of bitching knows all too well how much I despise driving.

   Not the act.  I love the ACT of driving.  Me and the machine, in sync, flowing and going.  No, I love TO DRIVE.  Performing this act around other humans?  Miserable.

You are all a bunch of lazy, sloppy fucks.  You should be ashamed.

   This particular lazy, sloppy fuck was behind me in a slowdown on 59 north at the 288, Richmond split (for all you Houston Urban Townies), and he was (*ahem*) reading a fucking magazine.  Yep, crusing in a brand new beemer, king shit, reading a fucking magazine.   On top of this, he was hovering about 3 feet from my bumper.  I gave him the pinky.  No reply.  He kept on pushin' up my ass.  So, I just sat.  See, when you tailgate, you give up the option to pass.  You are just too fucking close to go forward, left or right.  You are fucking stuck.  and I sat there.  Shit, it's traffic, man.  There's just NOWHERE to go, anyway.  After a while, I move forward, and he kinda gets the point.  He slacks off...for a minute.  Then, he's right back there, up my ass, magazine on the steering wheel.  So, I downshift.  When you downshift, you suddenly slow down, but there are no taillights to let the lazy cocksmoking cum-eater know it's time to stop.  Of course, he slams on his brakes, and does this crazy pantomime letting me know he gets it.

That's when it gets funny.

   I'm sure I scared the shit out of him.  That's what got to him.  His fear suddenly caused his ego to inflame.  After a minute of peace, a silver turd crowded my rearview mirror again, and I glanced back to see him laughing.  Obviously, and ridiculously, just to let me know that he thought I was funny.

   Okay, man.  Here's the deal:  That Junior-high psychology may work on some lower lifeforms (like your mother), but not on me.  See, I already totally fucking hate you.  There is no room for me to hate you any more.  No more anger to be made.  I'm sure, maybe 10 years ago, it might have made me REAL mad, and something bad would have happened.  I had a little more passion then. 

   But, you must know:  He just looked very, very sad.  He obviously rips people off for a living, and gives not a single shit about the welfare or property of those around him (HER will apply here just as well, thank you not), and he probably should have been aborted.  What a sad, sad fucking society we live in where people are living like rats, breeding the same, and are brainwashed by pathetic, moronic monkeys into propogating a species that is on the verge of eating itself.  Sad, sad and sadder still.  Wonder why I get drunk every Friday?

   All of this went through my mind in less than seconds.  And, when he finally was able to pass me (what I'd been hoping for from the start), he made a big point of showing his ugly, sad, smiling face to me, as if to say: "ha! you didn't scare me!  I'm too well-off to come to harm by the likes of you, accidentally or otherwise (yes, this is ridiculous dialogue.  It's only to point out how ridiculous this monkey looks to me.  How most people look to me, for sure), and I am stronger than you!  AHH, HAHAHAHAAAA!".  Of course, I was just happy to be rid of him.  What a blow to his great big ego it would have been to read my thoughts at that moment.

"Oh, you poor, sad, sick little monkey.  Please don't breed..."

   Really, all of you need a good talking to.  You need help.  I can't help you.  I can only call you a douchebag, and move on.

Check Yer Head...Comix, Episode 2

This one got around a bit.

   On the internet, that is.  At least to ME, it did.  Almost 800 downloads from the Archive as of today.  Pretty pathetic by most standards, I'm sure.  But, for a half-hour long show about Underground Comix hosted by a drunk and/or stoned idiotic mysanthropic asshole?  Pretty goddamn good numbers.

   I hadn't gotten around to getting REALLY mad yet.  Or, possibly REALLY drunk.  The first ones, I would start drinking when I started recording.  Later on, I'd have already tied a couple on.  Whatever, it made for a nice, relaxing show.  There's a little story about my first Underground that's really cute and endearing.  You'll wanna give me a BIG HUG!  Well, okay, but only if I get a squeeze in myself.  Man, that feels weird to say, y'all. I'm really not a horny pervo like that...Must be friday.  Must be the Guinness!

   Telling a story is fun, but sometimes I really suck at it.  I make them too long.  It all goes back to the acid days of the early 90's, when we didn't have anything better to do on a weekend than trip and tell LOOOONG, pointless stories that usually made people either groan, or find something heavy to hit us with.  Most of my jokes are like that, too.  Yeah, I said that already, but it's fun. So, I'm working on is a series of little stories from my life that I can...probably...get away with telling.  They'll be short (3-5 minutes). I'll start posting them as soon as I think they are ready.

  Plus, I'm going to work them out on paper before I hit the mic to keep them from getting out of hand.  That's for you, not me.  I could listen to myself ramble on all night, but that's because I love the sound of my own voice.
   Wow, egotism, perversion, drunken debarchery...what have I left out?

Terrible Ass Kicking!

   I'm a few years behind the curve when it comes to games.  That's a gentle way of saying I can't afford the high-end gear.  My PC is circa 2008 overall, and I don't have a console that's younger than 10 years.  I just finished Half Life 2, including the 2 episodes and The Lost Coast.  I think they were released about 2005, right?  I don't know.  I have to play cheap.  Things are tough all over. My gaming budget is slim.  I've got Gametap (don't know why...ever since Sam N Max ended...), and there's a couple things on Steam that were worth buying.  Other than that, I get my games used, or on clearance.  A few games I got cheap ended up making me buy a new video card.  Damnit...  But, that's kickass, 'cause I got to catch up a bit:  Bully (fantastic) GTA4 (still getting started) BioShock (HOLY SHIT...okay, still haven't got past installing), not to mention how it made all my old games look good enough to play again.

   So, what's so terrible about that?  Far Cry.  This shit is just as insane as Half Life 2, although, not quite as refined.  What it has that HL2 didn't was the "sneaky" factor.  You can't fucking sneak up on ANYTHING in HL2.  I've only spent a few hours on it so far, and there's been so many ways to complete the first chapter, my ass is twitching.  Go ahead and watch that clip.  That'll make you thirsty, for sure.  I bought the discs for 5$.  Good buy.  However, do NOT buy Half-Life 2, or ANY steam game used, unless it's under 5 bucks.  Why?  Because the Steam Nazis won't transfer the Game Key for less than 10$, and you have to pay online, AND install their proprietary software.  NAZIS!  That said, I still had to play HL2, so I bought the goddamn discs for 8$, and still had to pay 12$ online to play the goddamn thing.  How fucked up is that??  I owned the goddamn game, and STILL had to pay these bitches.  Tha's just why DIVX went belly-up so quick, you fucks.

   But, Steam aside, the terrible part is how GRUESOME getting killed is in Far Cry compared to other FPS shooters I've played.  Fuck, it's sudden for one...some fucker will sneak up and BAM, red tinged screen, and suddenly sideways, too.  I can't describe it, but it looks JUST LIKE you frikkin' hit the ground yourself.  Oh, SHIT it was so frustrating...  I started bitching, and had to stop the game for half an hour just to relax.  Sad...I destroyed 2 keyboards with the SAME CUP OF COFFEE in one night thanks to the original Half-Life.  Those fucking headcrabs made me jump, and not just once, but TWICE, I knocked my twitch-juce onto my desk.  After the second time (and I was using my wife's keyboard by then), I put the coffee (decaf, by that time) off to the side...

   Yep, the terrible part of tonight is that I have died, HORRIBLY, over 3 dozen times.  And the SOUNDS...ugh...sickening.  I tell 'ya, it's starting to work on my nerves.  By fuck, on Saturday morning, I'm going to FUCK this game up so damn bad...shit...

Whacky Whendnesedy: I can't tell a fucking joke...

...to save my life. My jokes get me shot at.
   Hey, that reminds me of the last joke I tried to tell.  Yep, TRIED.  I have to be in....juuuust....the riiiiight...mood....to pull off a joke (read, slightly bombed on Guinness or Ganja...or both), otherwise I just fuck it all up.  Last joke I tried to tell was the one about the Gaijin businessman visiting Japan for a Merger meeting.  He really had to kiss ass, and get the deal sealed.  Lucky for him, his Japanese host is very kind and easy going.   puts him up in his house, feeds him, introduces his family, and gives him a room for the night.  Well, Mrs. Japanese Host decides to add a couple more creature comforts to his stay, and slips into his room that night.  After a few minutes of clumsy, darkened room funny business, he manages to find a mark (*cough*), and it was off to the races.  Man, he couldn't believe his luck! And she kept squeeking out the same phrase that he couldn't understand, but MAN, IT FELT GOOD!  Over and over, she squeeked the phrase...it burned into his brain...
   Next day on the golf course, he was playing like a champ!  But he had to back off and let his Host win.  He was careful to keep his score close, and on the 17th hole, he winged one juuuuust right... Catching a little wind, that fucking ball bounced twice, and stopped right next to the hole!  He was 45 years old, and this was as close to a hole-in-one he had ever been!  His excitement had him twitching, but he had to throw this game.  Luck was with him again on the last hole as his Japanese Host got a fantastic swing, and rolled into a hole-in-one of his own!  Suddenly relieved and excited at how everything had turned out so perfect, he starts jumping up and down, and screaming the phrase his Host's wife had squeeled gleefully the night before.  Just then, his Host runs up, angrily, and demands to know just what the fuck does he mean "wrong hole"?!
  Yep, I suck.  But it's too late to not read it, huh?

Oh, MAN, that shit is WHACK, yo...

I had to come home early today, so I'm not quite as crazy as I would be on a normal Monday. 

HOWEVER...

The world is just crazy enough without me.

   I don't need to mention the earthquakes.  Murders?  Firestarters?  We got 'em (and PLENTY) here in town, so no...

   I'm talking about daytime television.  More specifically, the Maury show and Cheaters.  Now, I've seen some crazy shit, on TV or otherwise, but this shit is outtasight.  I saw an hour of the Maury show where they had a bunch of DNA test results on one show.  Holy shit!  This one guy had SOLID PROOF that he's had 26 kids!  You should get a look at this guy, man...Straight Pimpin'!  Ghod, just imagine...not only the kind of girl that would let this guy get them pregnant, but there are 26 descendants of this bastard out there spreading those genes!  Hey, you KNOW most of them are living off your tax dollars...right?  You don't?  What are you, some kind of crazy Christian Pro-Lifer??  I've seen these pro-lifers demonstrating outside a clinic I used to pass by every day.  I won't say the typical "who would fuck them?" statement (although that fucker sticks), but I will say:  They were almost all ugly, fat women that obviously didn't have jobs.  What fucking perspective on life would I want from some home-bound, worthless ape that hates everything because they want it?  These are the same women that protest outside Hooters.  They only protest outside Hooters because they can't find an abortion clinic close enough to the house.  Aw hell, I'm not that worried about it, really.  The human race has a long history of killing off the good ones, while letting the shitty ones breed like rats high on bamboo fruit.  That is exactly the reason why I CONSCIOUSLY never had any children.  'Has nothin' to do with "boo-hoo, I can't bring a child into this world!" as much as "aw, fuck, I'm gonna disassociate myself from you stupid monkeys PERMANENTLY".  I don't have to worry about what the world is going to be like in 20, 30 years.  I sure as hell ain't gonna last that long, and I don't have any grandchildren to be concerned with.  I'm the guy that decdided the neighborhood is just too fucked up to fix, so I moved out.  Unfortunately, I didn't move very far, so I still have you stupid monkeys as neighbors.

   If there was a chance in my lifetime that humans could be posted on the moon or Mars, I'd have gone into the military, and worked my way towards astronaut, instead of playing music (dumbass...).  Of course, as long as I have an internet connection.  Goddamn it.  I feel like that douche in Clerks who says "I hate people, but I love gatherings".

   Well, I DON'T love gatherings.  That's one of the reasons I quit playing music in public.  I don't hate bars, but I hate being in a bar, full of crazy drunk people, all staring and yelling at me.  I always envied the sound guy...he got to hear great (sometimes) live music without having to deal with all the hangers-on.  PLUS, they got to drink free!  Hey, Jester, I miss you, man.  You were a smart fucker to stop playing bass and start twiddling knobs, for sure.

   Dang...reading this back, I guess it DID get a little weird after all, eh?  You happy now?  I made an ass out of myself again, right?

Happy to be of service.  Good Day!