Road Relaxed...

Funny thing happened on the way home...

   Anyone familiar with my particular brand of bitching knows all too well how much I despise driving.

   Not the act.  I love the ACT of driving.  Me and the machine, in sync, flowing and going.  No, I love TO DRIVE.  Performing this act around other humans?  Miserable.

You are all a bunch of lazy, sloppy fucks.  You should be ashamed.

   This particular lazy, sloppy fuck was behind me in a slowdown on 59 north at the 288, Richmond split (for all you Houston Urban Townies), and he was (*ahem*) reading a fucking magazine.  Yep, crusing in a brand new beemer, king shit, reading a fucking magazine.   On top of this, he was hovering about 3 feet from my bumper.  I gave him the pinky.  No reply.  He kept on pushin' up my ass.  So, I just sat.  See, when you tailgate, you give up the option to pass.  You are just too fucking close to go forward, left or right.  You are fucking stuck.  and I sat there.  Shit, it's traffic, man.  There's just NOWHERE to go, anyway.  After a while, I move forward, and he kinda gets the point.  He slacks off...for a minute.  Then, he's right back there, up my ass, magazine on the steering wheel.  So, I downshift.  When you downshift, you suddenly slow down, but there are no taillights to let the lazy cocksmoking cum-eater know it's time to stop.  Of course, he slams on his brakes, and does this crazy pantomime letting me know he gets it.

That's when it gets funny.

   I'm sure I scared the shit out of him.  That's what got to him.  His fear suddenly caused his ego to inflame.  After a minute of peace, a silver turd crowded my rearview mirror again, and I glanced back to see him laughing.  Obviously, and ridiculously, just to let me know that he thought I was funny.

   Okay, man.  Here's the deal:  That Junior-high psychology may work on some lower lifeforms (like your mother), but not on me.  See, I already totally fucking hate you.  There is no room for me to hate you any more.  No more anger to be made.  I'm sure, maybe 10 years ago, it might have made me REAL mad, and something bad would have happened.  I had a little more passion then. 

   But, you must know:  He just looked very, very sad.  He obviously rips people off for a living, and gives not a single shit about the welfare or property of those around him (HER will apply here just as well, thank you not), and he probably should have been aborted.  What a sad, sad fucking society we live in where people are living like rats, breeding the same, and are brainwashed by pathetic, moronic monkeys into propogating a species that is on the verge of eating itself.  Sad, sad and sadder still.  Wonder why I get drunk every Friday?

   All of this went through my mind in less than seconds.  And, when he finally was able to pass me (what I'd been hoping for from the start), he made a big point of showing his ugly, sad, smiling face to me, as if to say: "ha! you didn't scare me!  I'm too well-off to come to harm by the likes of you, accidentally or otherwise (yes, this is ridiculous dialogue.  It's only to point out how ridiculous this monkey looks to me.  How most people look to me, for sure), and I am stronger than you!  AHH, HAHAHAHAAAA!".  Of course, I was just happy to be rid of him.  What a blow to his great big ego it would have been to read my thoughts at that moment.

"Oh, you poor, sad, sick little monkey.  Please don't breed..."

   Really, all of you need a good talking to.  You need help.  I can't help you.  I can only call you a douchebag, and move on.